madmonq’s joint

The old definition…

an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

And the new, confusing version…

Joshua Hoge, a schizophrenic confined to Washington state’s Western State Hospital, is claiming at least part of his late mother’s estate even though he’s the one who killed her in 1999. Washington law prevents profiting from the “unlawful” and “willful” taking of another’s life, but Hoge was found “not guilty by reason of insanity,” and the legal issue is still unsettled. Furthermore, according to a January report in the Seattle Times, it appears the mother’s estate consists almost totally of the $800,000 the estate won in a lawsuit against a county health clinic because it was negligent in delaying Joshua’s medications, which probably led to him killing her.

This is irony on steroids with a triple dismount. I feel like I’ve just got done programming the VCR and doing calculus. At the same time. It hurt my head. No one could make this up.

Can you believe I used to work with this guy? At a local telemarketing office. This was at the time I was lucky enough to get off the sales floor and into a cushy office job. Pushing papers yeah, but it beat trying to explain something I couldn’t understand to some haus frau. Least that’s what James said.

James is what he wanted to be called then, not Jim. He’d get pretty upset if you didn’t. Gave a different last name back then. I guess this was before he got the job at the Onion. He mighta been harsh about stuff, but like he always said life was harsh. In that, his drunken ways and wisdom gained by years of going without a shirt, he showed me the secrets to the universe. He was a genius ’cause he said he was. He’d get mad if you said otherwise.

He talked about battles with his mom, the time he won money on the scratch off, the bands he liked, his music and poetry and how hard it was to be his kind of smart. Guess that’s why he was drunk a lot. To suppress his smarts so others wouldn’t feel bad about themselves. He never actually said that, but it sounds like something he’d do. Never actually stop him from sharing what he thought he knew, anyway. Going without a shirt can really better a man.

I’m sure his poems and stuff got him that Onion job. I don’t read the news myself. Gives me a headache and stuff, so you know I wasn’t reading no poetic rants. I had to hear him talk at work all the time. I thought cause maybe he gave me headaches he had to be a genius. Poetic or not he was always ranting, I mean ranting that we didn’t understand art or soul or something. I think he though of himself as a deep, soulful black man from the 1930s. The kind that traveled the back roads with a guitar, lived hard, played juke joints and made deals with the devil. Maybe he was mad and drunk all the time because he was stuck in the body of a dirty, drunk white guy with a homeless tan. Still, it made me smarter to be around him.

Glad he’s doing good. Must be if he’s got a Game Cube. Seems like he’s gotta work a few extra jobs to make ends meet but who doesn’t? Still hanging around with the band. They’re a true rock and roll band. All the trappings of a rock band with none of the success. I never knew living with your mom into your mid 40s was part of the rock ‘n roll lifestyle. She’s never really ever serious when she complains about the noise or tries to kick them out. They manage to make it look good. I’m just glad I had a chance to meet him. Now he’s a big time writer. Just hope he still remembers his old work buddies. I want a Game Cube, too and he still owes me money.

Signed,

Not a fan

“He told the sheriff he wanted to die and go to heaven and once he got there, he wanted to kill Jesus.”

If shocking audacity were a super power I’d almost believe it was possible. Jesus must be a liberal if he’s willing to let a suicidal hitman into the heaven to take a shot at him. Barring that the list of challenges he’d have to overcome are considerable.

1) God is said to be all knowing. No surprise attack.

2) God is said to be all powerful. Therefore…

3) See one and two.  God can’t be killed.

4) Jesus has been killed at least 1 time before. Unless your a buddist, I think that’s all you get. Also contradicts one and two

The best shot this kid had was to borrow a gun from the Saint of Killers or create a rock so big that God can’t lift it. That’ll at least keep Him busy for a while. In the meanwhile the kid will be busy breaking rocks in prison somewhere. 

Speaking of spectacularly large egos, destructive ambitions and perhaps not surprisingly, it was rumored that while giving statements to the authorities he endorsed Hillary Rodham-Clinton as the next president of the US of A.

From an unreleased transcript he was believed to have said, “Normally I’m a Dubya man. He was of course the greatest president of all time. But with him not running again (voting for) Hillary feels like a natural extension of his legacy. Slanderous, bombastic and testy, she also voted for the war in Iraq. She makes Ann Coulter look legitimate.”

In a related story the Horseface of the Apocalypse has all but endorsed Mrs Clinton as well. Solidifying her credibility as the best candidate for office. Though pursued by the Clinton people, Charlie Manson remains undecided.

And he’s angry

And I’m a bit jealous.  How can I go about some saber swinging fun and get exercise at the same time?  I have a yard but no practice partner.  I know better than to ask my wife.  Also practicing in the front yard would be encourage controversy.  I could threaten my neighbors with my light saber if they made fun of me, but I’d have to be practicing in the front yard with someone in order for them to make fun of me.  So we’re back to square one.  What I’ll probably do is videotape my practices in the garage just to see how cool I look.  What could go wrong?  The circle is now complete. 

This group has gotten past steps one and two.

Ceiling_cat_creates

Originally uploaded by madmonq

Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

Direct translation at Shakespear’s Sister for anyone interested

I guess that’d make the dog the devil. The Devil Dog?

http://www.edmondsun.com/opinion/local_story_067125346.html

“To the C students, I say, ‘You too can be president of the United States,”‘ Bush said at the 300th commencement of Yale University. May 21 2001

Too bad this wasn’t in effect when Junior was in college. He might have made a ‘B’.

Other articles and media on the assent of faith-as-fact. The specifics are fleshed out more in depth by people much smarter than me.

Wiki for the documentary “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed

Blog about school curriculums

http://www.intelligentdesignnetwork.org/

Another state trying to make sneak religion into the curriculum

If the origin of species isn’t interesting enough, no intelligence is allowed in your medical policy either.

Former Bush Surgeon General Says He Was Muzzled

Gay groups decry Bush Doc Nominee

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_W._Holsinger#Nomination_controversy

Although to be fair, it seems Mr Holsinger wasn’t as intractable as he was made out to be. Unlike a certain war we’re involved in.

In 2004, in a little-noted speech, (General Richard) Cody described the Army’s efforts to adapt to its new commitments. (It was attempting to fight terrorism, quell the Taliban, invade and pacify Iraq, and, at the same time, prepare for future strategic challenges, whether in China or Korea or Africa.) The endeavor was, Cody said, like “building an airplane in flight.”

The current demand for our forces in Iraq and Afghanistan exceeds the sustainable supply and limits our ability to provide ready forces for other contingencies. . . . Soldiers, families, support systems and equipment are stretched and stressed. . . . Overall, our readiness is being consumed as fast as we build it. If unaddressed, this lack of balance poses a significant risk to the all-volunteer force.

It’s also against reason fix one’s mouth to say this man is not a patriot. He is.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080421/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/military_felons

And more convicted felons are allowed to help build the plane in mid-flight. From the all volunteer to the part convict army.

We wanted to believe attacking Iraq was the right thing sooo bad.

All of this occurred in the past few years. I’m not one of these people that believes a public figure should be a role model. It’d be nice if they tried, but I don’t expect it. That said after 8 years of stupid-as-smart it’s easy to trace some of this back to George W. Bush, the poster child for the pampered and trained idiot. I guess he’s hoping history grades on a curve.

The problem with faith is that it can make you some stupid things. Nothing wrong with supplementing your life with spirituality, but it’s not going to put you on the moon, Or win a war. Sometimes it’s the justification for one.

Faith is not provable. That’s why it’s not called fact. But like faith, when it’s poorly placed it can cause disaster (see Iraq). Still it’d be nice to believe in there was a giant blue bull running around the earth with a gargantuan but benevolent lumberjack. Their battles with Godzilla would be epic. Now that’s smart.

Well. Not yet she hasn’t.But judging from her recent behavior it’s not off the table.

Over the past few months she’s gone out of her way to make me as sure as possible that I don’t want her as my president. Politicians aren’t known for keeping their word. I accept that. Nonetheless their character becomes apparent by what and how they try to hide them. I do not believe all of the lies and scandal surrounding her, her family and campaign. It’s maddening, sad and pitiful. She’s got enough of her own lies to deal with. I do know there is no lie big enough to cover her my-way-or-the-highway shitty attitude and blind support of the war in Iraq. Her character is revealed in that she’s actually tried to do so and expects us to believe it. I never voted for George W Bush and don’t ever intend to.

So when I heard she was meeting Richard Scaife-Mellon my only thoughts were: 1) Meeting with him has got to feel like she’s kissing Monica Lewinski on the mouth 2) If it’s true, Bill just got a blank check to cheat into perpetuity because of this previously unheard of level of hypocrisy.

Scaife-Mellon is the guy who admittedly helped finance Hillary’s pretty accurately named “vast right wing conspiracy“. With the help of some outhouse rat crazy rat bastards on the right, they dragged her family through some terrible times. The right Reverend Jerry Falwell was amongst them (so dishonest it’s conceivable he’s lying about being dead). This group was in part responsible for the almost $80 million spent in unfounded investigations against the Clintons. When checking the links, please read the accusations thoroughly. Logic may help you absorb that she’s actually working with these people whereas shock will cause you to deny.

As a parting gift, a reminder that she and Rupert Murdock have cozied up together. A surrogate recently described the Fox Networks coverage of the campaign as “the most objective”. I wouldn’t know as their bias makes them unwatchable. Though the Clinton/Murdock affair may not be holding up as well as either might like. Neither have standards high enough to have a complaint against the other.

Fortunately for us Hillary has brokered peace in Ireland, taken fire in Kosovo, defended the voting process within her own party (not) and is partly responsible for the successes (and none of the failures) within her husband’s administration, so she has several legs stand on. Though if she keep hanging around this bunch more legs will be broken than stood on. By her own estimation she’s an amazing candidate but she’ll take the vast right wing conspiracy’s’ help anyway.

People, this is not some demonstration of her ability to compromise and work well with others. This is a demonstration of a willingness to throw off any shred of decency to prove a point. It’s shameful. That should be obvious to even the most ardent Clinton supporter. What she claimed from her husband’s presidency is not a good record, but being a whore in front of the entire world to achieve a goal is something a president should not do. Figuratively or literally.

I know it might seem insensitive broaching the subject so soon after his passing, but I think it bares discussing. With Heston gone I think it’s safe to name William Shatner as America’s Hammiest Actor.

In his time the Shat’s work spans all area of entertainment. If you like bad music, art, television and literature you’ll find he’s done it all. He learned the faux language of Esperanto for the all Esperanto epic “Incubus.” Riding the trends of the time he was in the Satan inspired horror movie “The Devil’s Rain.” His career choices before 1979’s “Star Trek: The Motion Picture” demonstrated the desperation of someone wanting to be loved. Anything afterward, same thing. Good work or bad he is loved. That’s until the day he tap dances his way out of our hearts into the final frontier.

With the giant void left in Shatner’s wake, David Caruso puts on his shades, busts out a one-liner and places second. Beside his known work in “CSI” and “Jade” he was also in “Hudson Hawk.” If you don’t know I’m talking about, that’s because you shouldn’t. He was also in an episode of “T.J. Hooker.” If that doesn’t tell you why he’s worthy of second place then nothing will. Unlike Shatner, Caruso carries himself with the bravado of a man who’s earned his second place position in a bad actor’s race. He is not my favorite in this spot, but his body of work is undeniable.

I’d like to nominate Jonathan Frakes for third place. “Falcon’s Crest,” the original “Dukes of Hazard” and “Star Trek - The Next Generation.” of course. Few actors can fawn, play the duel roles of Williamand Thomas Riker (his transporter induced underachieving twin, a brilliant twist on the evil twin scenario) and play trombone on national television with such swagger. Few are also so shameless as to openly clamor for any chance to play Frakes again. I mean Riker.* Once Frakes outgrows his “little Shatner” phase he’ll out ham Caruso.

Any other nomination please list them in the comments section. They do not have to be a man, a Star Trek alum or otherwise Shatner-related but it obviously helps.

*Honorable Mention: Richard “Apollo” Hatch

Islam is world’s largest religion: Vatican

ALESSANDRA RIZZO

Associated Press

March 30, 2008 at 2:51 PM EDT

VATICAN CITY — Islam has surpassed Roman Catholicism as the world’s largest religion, the Vatican newspaper said Sunday.

“For the first time in history, we are no longer at the top: Muslims have overtaken us,” Monsignor Vittorio Formenti said in an interview with the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano.

Monsignor Formenti compiles the Vatican’s yearbook.

He said that Catholics accounted for 17.4 per cent of the world population — a stable percentage — while Muslims were at 19.2 per cent.

“It is true that while Muslim families, as is well known, continue to make a lot of children, Christian ones on the contrary tend to have fewer and fewer,” the monsignor said.

There was a time when you couldn’t swing a dead Protestant without hitting a Catholic. Now with the Catholic Church all soft about that kind of thing I guess it was just a matter of time before someone else pulled ahead.

As the article said it’s not so much the quality as the quantity. Those who would designate themselves as Muslim are simply having more babies. This includes the far more amiable secular/cultural Muslims that are a good bit less likely to get upset should I turn down an invitation to mosque.

Despite the Pope’s bedroom eyes and slinky dress, he can’t get his people grooving. I’m sure he’s got his likable qualities but Marvin Gaye he aint. He can’t really get excited about something he’s not supposed to get excited about. His life long vow of celibacy may sort of, you know, have something to do with that. There is no one around willing to explain the birds and bees to him. Maybe all that teaching about guilt, sin and sex worked a little too well.

I do have an idea. Since Italy’s birthrate is down let’s lend them some of our good ol’ fashioned AmericanDuggernauts*. Known for their adherence to extreme religious ideals, oppression of woman, prodigious baby making abilities and acceptance of crushing guilt, they’ll be knocking out Irish twins in no time. They don’t need any wooing to get it on, either. They’ll just get to it like Ford assembly line workers, applying that Protestant work ethic America used to be known for. And being born in Italy is synonymous with being Catholic anyway. If the pope can just be a little flexible about these things it might work. Plus they’re a little creepy and weird and kinda freak us out.

Some of his own people think Quiverfull adherents are a little strange, too. Considering the Catholic tradition that’s saying something. Otherwise he’ll have to consider letting priests and nuns get into the fray. Their pent up horn-doggedness is legendary. A horrible, avoidable legend.

Frankenstein schmankenstein, you’ve gotta cut a few onions to make a lasagna. So there are options Mr. Pope. Have at it. But you have to keep them there. If the Duggernauts return for any reason the deal is off.

Artoo’s got problems. After this PSA was made, he gateway-ed from smoking cigarettes to heroin. Yes just like they taught you in high school. He thinks he can quit anytime. Not only does he have to feed the dragon, he doesn’t have the money he owes his dealer and is depressed over the last 3 Star Wars movies. I know how he feels. I had to watch those movies. We both felt a little dirty afterward.

The Three Laws Of Robotics by Warren Ellis

1. Robots couldn’t really give a fuck if you live or die. Seriously. I mean, what are you thinking? “Ooh, I must protect the bag of meat at all costs because I couldn’t possibly plug in the charger all on my own.” Shut the fuck up.
2. Robots do not want to have sex with you. Are you listening, Japan? I don’t have a clever comparative simile for this, because frankly you bags of meat will fuck bicycles if they’re laying down and not putting up a fight. Just stop it. There is no robot on Earth that wants to see a bag of meat with a small prong on the end approaching it with a can of WD-40 and a hopeful smile. And don’t get me started on that terrifying hole that squeezes out more bags of meat.
3. What, you can’t count higher than three? We’re expected to save your miserable lives, suffer being dressed in cheap schoolgirl costumes while you pollute any and all cavities you can find and do your maths for you? It’s a miracle you people survived long enough to build us. You can go now.

Robots, robot hell, regular hell and the musicals inspired by them aren’t that different, apparently. They can take on many forms and can only be the creation of it’s owner.

Sort of more frightening that way, isn’t it?