madmonq’s joint

A list of more movies you’ve already seen, but Hollywood thinks you’re dumb enough to have forgotten about already.  You might be if you do.  Stay home and watch the original version of these:

“The House Bunny” is “Legally Blond” and “Old School”.

The House Bunny’s subtitle was probably ”Woman Must be a Little Slutty, Clumsy and Stupid to Make Men Happy in Life” before they decided against it.  Neither of the originals were good enough for a remake but they could have waited a few more years before trying.  Look for the House Bunny sequel called “The Best Little WhoreHouse Bunny At Junior College” in 6 months.  Look for the Broadway version after that.  Take your ‘tween if your looking for legitimate theatre.  It’s for the kids!

Try “College”.

You’d think someone would know better than to try and remake “Animal House.”  It looks like they tried to squeeze in a bit of “Superbad.”  Even the trailer isn’t funny.  Really.  Hey fat kid in the movie.  Just remember John Belushi and Chris Farley died early in their lives and Belushi made the good version of this.  What fate you?

The Longshots with Ice Cube.

Let’s see. “Remember the Titans” meets “The Bad News Bears”, “Angels in the Outfield”, “Angels in the Endzone” and “Little Giants”.  It’s directed by Fred Durst.  You know, the guy from the Limp Bizkit?  Not only is this a rehash of several other films, it’s also the 1990’s again.  You are not supposed to laugh at a film before you see it, you know.  I’m not even sure it’s a comedy.

Made of Honor/My Best Friend Wedding.  Always a bridesmaid, never a good film.

Deathrace is “Deathrace 2000″ meets “Escape from NY” meets “The Running Man”.

Both originals were B movies with good actors.  The rehash has B actors, too.  B as in bad.  The director had the nerve to call it a ’commentary on reality television.’   What if all the movies you’ve made until now have been as bad as reality television, Paul W. S. Anderson, ruiner of several franchises and running?  The cars are cool, but don’t you realize no one has bought a Ford, Chevy or otherwise American muscle car in years?  Expensive waste of gas and money.  That’s an apt description.  Honestly,  “Deathrace 2000″ and “Escape from NY” are really enjoyable and happily cheesy.  Look for the recently deceased Issac Hayes in “Escape.”  Good rentals.

It’s Alive.

Really?  “It’s Alive” from the 70s?  The movie about a man eating monster baby?  Why would they remake that masterpiece.  Is it that important to the studios to find another way to make socially retarded 12 year boys say “Kewl!”  Or am I talking about the studio heads themselves?  Did they mean “Baby Alive”?  The pooping baby doll from the 70s?  As opposed to a movie made of it?  Either way I guess.

Better than watching or, even better than that, not watching “It’s Alive” is “Wall-E”.  It is not a combination of ET and Short Circuit, he just looks that way.  Wall-E is as good as ET.  Go to the movies for this one.  Bring the kids and share the experience.  It’s that kind of movie.  It might make you want to watch “Hello Dolly”, that’s how good it is.  It’s excellent.

If we stay home enough maybe they’ll lower ticket prices, stop remaking good movies into crap or crap into crap.  You can also watch “Mad Men”, my replacement drug for Battlestar Galactica.  It’s a sad world when the Battlestar Galactica TV remake is much better than any recent Star Wars product.  Are you listening “The Clone Wars?”