I was hoping my Christmas wouldn’t end with an open can o’ on saleBlack Thanksgiving whoop azz on unsuspecting shoppers. Now I look forward to ending Santa’s reign of terror when that mother grabber goes after Grandma with his reindeer. That Rudolph is a commie with his red nose & all.
And I still say “Christmas” not “Holiday” like a good gun totin’ Christian-AmericanWalmartgreeter.
I don’t think someAmericanswill be happy until they get a Jesus on the cross with an AK strung around his neck like he went down like Scarface. Otherwise they’re liable to shoot him in the face when He returns for not fighting back against the Romans. Not dying in a hail of bullets like a real Christian American. That’s how fucking ridiculous it’s gotten.
Better to frighten my children by posing them on the lap of some creep in a polyester bunny suit than delivering them to a room full of creeps in their Sunday best. Whereas creepiness is concerned, polyester is always involved.
Otherwise please meet with family. Enjoy your time with them if possible. Eat a ham or something. Jesus would be pleased by that.
With sincerity, please have a good day. Happy Easter from madmonq’s joint.
P.S. I actually scared myself a little creating this post. Sincerely.
I am reading one of the many lists of events from the past year. One of them is the list of significant or important deaths in the year 2010. I’d already forgotten that Leslie Nielson had died. That’s probably because I thought he was dead already. Anyone else have this experience? Where is the list of people you though were dead already?
I am always shocked to learn that Ernest Borgnine is still alive. If so they need to get on a “The Black Hole” remake or sequel or whatever Pretty Damn Quick or else miss that window of opportunity (such as it is). Also Mariane McPartland? Isn’t she dead? And if she isn’t, why isn’t she? She hasn’t been on “Piano Jazz” in like forever & when she is you feel like it could happen at any moment. What about Adam Ant? If not by natural causes then by embarrassment? Also all of those poor Chilean miners. I also keep thinking Patti Smith is dead. Then I hear about some accolade she’s received for whatever god awful terrible crap she’s done. As soon as it’s over I go back to thinking, immediately and assuredly, that she is dead. Again.
Joey Ramone is dead.
Patti Smith is not. Do you see the problem I am having?
My wife is always claiming American newsperson Tom Brokaw is dead when we we come to realize it was Peter Jennings all along and that he died a long time ago. I guess the whole newscaster, haircut, suit, newscaster thing sort of blurs the lines. And either Bernie Mac or George Lopez is dead. Though one of them has a talk show before Conan O’Brian so I suppose I should check it out. Also I heard Jay Leno was dead. Or was that ”The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”? Or maybe the whole ”dead” thing was a metaphor for Jay killing “The Tonight Show” after all of his whining. Right. Steve Guttenberg is another. Wouldn’t be a good guest on “The Tonight Show” or Bernie Mac’s talk show either, I guess.
Why don’t I check the interet to see who is alive/dead? This is why. The internet is confusing and lies to me.
List of people I always think are still alive but are still dead: Charles Schulz, Bea Arthur, Ray Charles, Pat Morita and Scatman Crothers. I always think Charles Schulz is still alive. I guess because his strip still sees regular print. I wish the Scatman were still alive but he isn’t. A price had to be paid for appearing in the film Zapped! An appropriate but terrible price, nontheless.
Hey there, Scatman you sure you wanna do that movie with that Baio kid?
“My Little Drum.” One of the overlooked songs from Vince Guaraldi’s“A Charlie Brown Christmas”, Guaraldi’s . Variations on “The Little Drummer Boy.” I love the monastic boombastic of the original, Guaraldi’s is more funky & soulful than anyone other than he could imagine at the time. A Christmas samba. Guaraldi and Charles Schulz inform the modern day suburban creative sect (AKA the hipster) when they are at their best and far more than they’ll ever admit.
Vinnie G
Listening to the Vince Guaraldi channel on Last.FM/Xbox I can plainly hear that the slope created by be-bop in the 1950s to modern day easy listening music. “Lite” jazz, Kenny G, new age music and the even more dreaded world beat. Listen to Herb Alpert and you’ll hear what kind of monster it’s created. The cheese pouring forth pretty much created the hotel lounge act industry and appears to have inspired every porn soundtrack you’ve ever heard. Only not in a good way. Herb Alpert defines the trappings of the hipster: A complete lack of style and/or talent covered in cheese and hubris. The point is, I’m trying to teach the babies something even by osmosis. I think Vince Guaraldi is a good start. I hope they like it.
Guccioni or Not Bob Guccioni
Herb Alpert or Not Herb Alpert
Bonus: What do you get when you cross the “The Little Drummer Boy” with “My Little Drum?” I think you know.
The Bing & The Bowie that’s what. I mean, Bing Crosby is more bad ass than Herb Alpert. And he’s dead. Der Bingle, that is. Herb Alpert less so.
Bonus Bonus!
Will Ferrell sounds less like David Bowie and more like a James Lipton with a mullet.
Bonus Bonus Bonus!
That’s right. James Brown “The Funky Drummer.” The funk that Guaraldi, Bing or Bowie can only dream of. I’d suggest that you don’t sit through the whole song. It’s 9 minutes long and despite the name, the Funk gets pretty boring after a while.
Part of the joy in sharing this is the fact that he had a “show” at the Wentworth Art Gallery at the Riverside Square Mall in Hackensack NJ.
For those of you who don’t know, an art show opening at the Riverside Square Mall is a little like the ribbon cutting ceremony at a local supermarket. I worked at that supermarket for a while. Made me wish Lex Luthor was successful in 1979. Good for Hackensack, bad for Paul Stanley.
I wonder if he went to the Couch House Diner across the highway afterward? Or got an after hours tour of the U.S.S. Ling? At least he’s not wearing a babushka on his head pretending he’s not bald.
Some of the animals and wise men from the classic nativity scene
Precious wind up music box theme “Silent Night”
Battery pack innovation that provides a 9 volt approximation of God’s power (not included)
Special Bonus enclosed Holy Family snow globe
Just like the original Christmas!
Price: Priceless
Shipping & Handling: $7.22
Save! Buy two or more and save on S & H
Note: Drinking the Deluxe Jesus Nativity Snow Globe water will not result in super powers and may cause death. Probably.
My wife and I found this beauty at the local mega-Goodwill store. It had all the features listed but even better in real life. We appreciated the idea of someone combining several great American institutions. Christmas, commercialism, snow globes and a little love. It looks like a sincere effort. You ask: Why would someone give this away? My guess is that they lost it. Just turn baby Jesus upside down and shake him until he develops seizures. Lose yourself in the realistic glitter snow falling on Nazareth during the first Christmas.
Coal isn’t bad enough nowadays. It could be useful for heat. You have to send a Corleone type message to kids that Santa is not playing anymore. Otherwise they’ll get ideas. Then it’ll be last year’s number 1, the lawn dart, for you. Even if they are “good”, why take chances?
Things to look for. At about 1 minute, after the mini guitar solo Indian Thriller mixes in ”Maniac” by Micheal Sembello. The chorus is something like “gooly mar” but sounds like ”Girly mon!” over and over. Thriller looks either stoned out of his head, hadn’t slept in a while or both and maybe had a really bad ear ache. He’s quite a trooper for pulling through. Don’t look for any actual fear on the poor girlfriend’s face.
Now if you'll excuse me I do believe I have a case of the vapors 2 hours ago
Knowing @DavidBHayter read ur tweet is the definition of glee.Also surprising like a step from the dark.Well done Mr Hayter.You do both well 2 hours ago
What’s so damned funny?
