George Washington Dirt Napped Here

There is an ancient American method of president zombification that’s been lost to us over the years.  According to legend, George Washington’s family had the option of using it on him when he died but they declined.

It’s a good thing for George.  First thing that’d have happen was that he’d be whisked off & water boarded until we got to the bottom of that cherry tree thing.  He violated his father’s private property rights, you know.  George’s Dad could not be a free citizen with out his fucking tree. 

But this is an election year, so there will be lots of unholy incantations over whatever dead president du jour did, didn’t do or would have wanted.  And all of their talk conjures something worse than any zombie could ever be, corrupting the living instead of the dead.  At least we can take out a zombie with a shotgun full of fun.  We’ve got to tolerate the rest.  But it is 2012.  The way things are going we’ll probably get both.

And for those who don’t get the title reference. Historic: Here. Pop culture trope: Here.

POLL: Should the United States Release Photos of the slain Osama bin Laden (if any) to the General Public?

On one hand I want to trust our politicians at their word, that Bin Laden is dead without evidence. There doesn’t seem to be a lot gained by lying.  On the other I think we need to release any photos in order to prove to the world that Bin Laden is dead and that, however morbid, we are a people of our word.

What is your thinking?  Please vote or comment appropriately.

The Great American God Complex

Questionnaire for all great Christians, Christian Americans, American Christians or those who do not understand these can be mutually exclusive.

Let’s get started.

How is it America is a Christian nation and is always going to hell at the same time?

How is it we have free will but are going to hell for choosing it?

If God created everything, who created evil, hell?

If God ordered everything, how is it that that his creation the Devil broke from that and caused evil?

How does George W Bush serve God/America best?  As a persecuted example of a good Christian-American or life long dictator king?

Lightning round:

As a nation of Christians which is more important?  Killing Muslims or converting them?

Why as you’re reading this are you thinking “That boy is going to h-e-double hockey sticks” instead of answering the questions?

The Bowled and the Gilded

There are certain topics that I’m actively trying to avoid.  I don’t want to seem negative or repeat myself.  But with stuff like this, what am I supposed to do? 

http://www.theholylandexperience.com/

It’s just too easy.  I mean, what’s are interview question for the Jesus position?  Who’s the person in HR who had to come up with the questions, what are the qualifications?

HR Zombie:  What are your qualifications to be the Holyland Experience’s Jesus?

Applicant Jesus: Well.  I was raised as a Jew but converted to Christianity.  I traveled with the Jim Rose Side show for about 2 years.  And although I have more experience with hammering nails into my head than hands, I think my skill set will translate well.

HR Zombie: You’ll be crucified two times a day.  Three times on weekends and holidays.  And once a year on your performance evaluation.

Applicant Jesus:  Ah.

HR Zombie: What else?

Applicant Jesus: Well, like I said I’m a bit of a masochist.  I tend to take on too much responsibility, sometimes carry the work load of the lazier employees.  That’s kinda like taking on the sins of the world, right?  I have a overly high opinion of myself and am a bit of a perfectionist.  My step father’s name is Joseph.  I’ve dated several prostitutes like our lord and…

HRZ:  (cutting off applicant)  Uh huh.  Well, in most jobs self hatred and abuse are a frowned upon, but here they’re a plus.  As you can imagine we’ve got a lot of people applying for the position.  I’ll need you to force this crown of thorns onto your head to see if you look the part.

AJ:  Um,  OK.  Say what is this on the thorns? 

HRZ: Brain tissue.  We’ve only got one set so you’ve got to share it with the relief Jesus.  That’s not going to be an issue for you is it?  (pause)  It wouldn’t be for the real Jesus, you know.  (pause)  There are others that want this job you know…

AJ:  …I guess not.

HRZ:  Also this underwear.  Mind the frontal lobes.  OK, looks good.  Wince is natural.  Come back on Monday.  (to the administrative assistant)  Who’s next?

AA:  There’s a guy out here who’s got previous theme park experience.  He worked at Dracula’s Deadly Dungeons in Transylvania…

HRZ:  Transylvania?  Please, we are a Christian theme park.  We have to have some standards, don’t we?

AA:  He played “impaled guy #2.”

HRZ: Send him in. 

Does the park have a set entrance price or do they pass around the collection plate?  Does it count as your tithe for the week or is this extra?  What about groupies?  Why would you degrade your faith like this?  What will the other gods think? 

Owners of the Holy Land, TBN and life long lease on bad taste, Jan and Paul Crouch.  Them of the gilded and bowled hair.  The natural order’s replacement for Jim and Tammy Fay Bakker. 

May qualify as famine in the Four Horsefaces of the Apocalypse.  Two down, two to go.

 

Andre the Giant Died for your Sins

http://www.ultimatechristianwrestling.com/

http://www.cwewrestling.net/CWE.htm

Something tells me the crowd that attends these events aren’t too different from the regular sunday crowd.

Do you think the founders of these organizations really wants to glorify their god or are they  just a exorcizing their frustrated inner wrestler?  Who are the people who would become Christians via entertainment wrestling?  The same demographic that runs the shows.  Fat guys.  I guess American churches don’t have enough of them

The events do include a six man ladder match, a no rules brawl and a bible lesson about judgement day, so maybe I’m just kidding myself.

Now these Christian wrestlers got it right…

http://www.jesus21.com/poppydixon/sports/cww.html

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”
Ephesians 6:12

And the lord said
“But in this case I’m willing to make an exception.“

I wonder if Jello is kosher to wrestle in?

Duggernauts!

There are so many that when the kids grow up they may mistakenly date. Or maybe not so mistakenly.

I am talking about the purposeful existence of the Dugger Family and the philosophy called “quiverfull“. They believe it’s biblically mandated to have as many children as possible. I am properly creeped out.

The Duggers are up to 17. Seventeen. Each successive child just encourages them to have more. It’s God’s blessing after all. If you have any less then, of course, God hates you. I’m wondering if each blessing is like a book of green stamps. You know, after collecting so many you can turn them in for a blender. Or a personal life. I’d at least like to have the option.

Seventeen kids makes sense if you lived in an agrarian society. Someone has to work the field and you don’t have to pay them. In the Dugger’s case they are taken care of relatively well. But in modern life seventeen kids are not the Brady Bunch but a side show attraction.

Stray dogs don’t have a choice in how many puppies they have. Neither do quiverful women. Mrs Dugger should. She is presumably an active participant in the process but when you’ve got a man who wants that for you and it’s God’s will, what’s a girl to do? It’s deeply upsetting these woman are used as some sort of plantation slave not given a choice. God says so. Disagreeance isn’t an option. She is subject to the man and her body belongs to him. Despite having sex at least 17 times, something tells me it’s not really enjoyable for either of them. If they both get bored with churnin’ out chillins they would probably enjoy scatology. No doubt they’d find a biblical justification for it and it almost amounts to what they’ve got now.

Wanna have kids? Sure. Adoption? Yes. Polluting, no. The implications of birthing 17 or more republicans for Jesus smacks of the kind of mania we’re meant to be fighting in the war on terror. The kind that uses an open society against itself and brings buildings down. I’d like to think choice is the sign of an advanced, civil society. Then the Dugger’s come along and fuck it up for everyone.

Huh. Quiverful philosophy may qualify as Pestilence in the Four Horsefaces of the Apocalypse.